The individuals behind the cacophony.
Oly "Fat Chord" Shmoe (aka "The Maestro", "That's Sick Jim", & "Banjo Boy")
Oly left a life of fame & fortune in Nashville for the mean streets of Seattle, persuing his once promising athletic prospects as a ping pong ace. Oly acquired his taste for the local music while performing at the legendary Pamir House during its brief existence in the mid-sixties. Oly is an Aquarian, who is obsessed with the movie "Repo Man". His delusional confidence has enabled him to pursue his dream of playing the banjo professionally, and once upon a time guitar accidentally with the Grateful Dead, which they try to keep secret. Oly enjoys singing opera in the shower, karaoke, & interrupting band practice to tell really bad jokes. While labeled the most Napoleonic member of the Shmoes by the London tabloids, he maintains that he's just misunderstood:
"People just don't understand the pressure of the kind of fame & fortune that I have to deal with on a day to day basis. It's excruciating really. I mean, the girls just won't leave me alone. It's bad enough here in America, but in Japan it's even worse."
Flo "Nightingale" Shmoe
Flo Shmoe (aka "Saint Sara", "Even Flo" Shmoe, "Ain't No Ho" Shmoe, & "She Always Knows" Shmoe)
Flo...the conductor of the orchestra and the concertmistress who gives the turmoil a center. She's the last word & the bottom line. She's the man, the soul of the band. She's Patsy Cline, Peggy Lee & Nancy Sinatra all rolled into one. Flo has got "it". When she sings, it's up there with the best. Add to that the sweetness of a vine-ripened tomato & the lush, sexy growl of a kazoo & you've got the Flo...
Joe Shmoe (aka "Hold & Grin" Shmoe, "Back Road" Shmoe, & "Uppity Joe" Shmoe)
Joe is a craftsman & purveyor of malted beverages and other elixirs. He has recently begun experimenting with the plectern, & is very excited about incorporating this new technology into his music. Joe is a Libra & part-time chauffeur, who likes sausage, vintage motorcycles & doing things with wood. He sings the blues from time to time, although no one has ever seen him down and dirty blue. The Shmoes don't sing the blues, because the one time that we tried to fake the blues several members of the Washington Blues Society, complete with Fez headgear, booed us off the stage...and they are THE experts when it comes to wanker white-guy blues. All Joe's fault. He thought we could be Bluesy enough to fool the Bishops in the Washington Blues Society, but noooo. By the way, Joe is also a certified translator of the nearly extinct language Banjostanyi, which comes in handy when he serves beverages to the many ethnic Banjostanyis who call his bar, the Blue Moon Tavern, a home away from home.
Tommy "Tourette's" Shmoe
Tommy aka Tourette's Shmoe (aka "Soprano" Shmoe, "Hold-em" Shmoe, & "Fingers" Shmoe)
He's the rebel in the band, living the life of random profanities, gambling, drink & sin to the unrequited fantasies of neglected housewives everywhere. Straddling the sensuous curves of his instrument as if it were a woman or some other object of his most masculine & intimate desires, he plays the upright bass as if he were molesting it. Living vicariously through a prodigal son's debauchery enables the band to flirt with the fast lane, without any of the actual risks or inconveniences associated with doing so. Tommy Tourette's is a Saggitarius who enjoys fine cigars, cognac, gardening & classic automobiles, and is the last known native speaker of the thankfully rare Accordiani dialect of the Banjostanyi language. As a child he dreamt of one day working at the Wedgewood Broiler, & summers spent fly-fishing with Dolly Parton.
Update on Tommy aka Tourette's:
He's been absent from band for awhile, taking some time off to work on his car, figure out his sexual identity, and play weekend softball. He's taken several line drives to the head, which partly explains his erratic behavior. Here's the latest evidence:
Tommy's head has cleared up somewhat, enough that he's remembered he occasionally plays in a band. Until he figures out which band it is, he'll be playing with the Shmoes.
Superschmoe (aka "Whoa" Shmoe, "Too Slow" Shmoe, "The Tempo Maven", & "Where'd she go?" Shmoe)
Oly often laughs fondly as he recalls the days when "Too Slow" first joined the band. "As with any drummer, the first thing we had to do was break her spirit...after that we got along famously." "Too Slow" initially joined the band as a guitar player, but when it became clear that her skills were not sufficient enough to keep up with the break-neck pace that the Shmoes demanded, a private meeting was held. The rest of the band decided that "Too Slow's" methodic & plodding talents were best suited to the simple repetition of percussion. Thus, her career as a drummer began. Back in the shadows, she provides the tick to the tock that makes the Shmoes rock. It's a win-win situation, as the fake microphone the band provides her with gives her the illusion that she's a contributing member of the act. Since nobody can really hear, her confidence has been bolstered by the fact that she rarely receives any criticism. This has enabled the shyest & least talented member of the band to develop a huge ego-complex. "Too Slow" was recently witnessed playing pinball & drinking buttery nipples with former basketball bad-boy Dennis Rodman at the local high-brow hot-spot Niketown. When approached by the media & questioned about whether her social comings & goings might pose a conflict with her obligations to the band, she was quoted as saying:
"Oh, those guys...no, it's cool. You know, the band is comfortable with me doing my own thing. We talked...like, a couple of weeks ago. I'm pretty sure we have another gig coming up, like, the next holiday, or whatever. Oly calls me all the time, & he's like "Too Slow, you rock!" & I'm like "Oly, you rock too!" & he's like "Wanna come over & watch 'Repo Man' & eat Ho-ho's & drink Bud Lite?" & I'm like, "Yeah dude, I'm totally there."
Like Tom, Supershmoe is taking some time off to pursue her budding career as a NASCAR driver and kick boxer.
Mark "Ringo" Shmoe
"Ringo" has been sharing the drummer's chair with "Supershmoe" and doing a damn fine job, although it gets a little strange seeing the two them fight over who gets to bang on the cymbal. We wish they would play nice...like "Super" could sit on "Ringo's" lap, and he could work the pedals while she steers. They'll just have to work it out.
Mitchie "Token" Shmoe
Mitchie "Token" Shmoe has been a guest performer with The Shmoes and proof that we know famous people. He visited for his debut as a bass player for a Shmoe show in 2005 heavily disguised for fear that he would be outed as a Shmoe and never work in Las Vegas again. His minor hit song that probably none of you know starts like this: "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, The Lion Sleeps Tonight..." Your secret is safe with us, Mitchie-babe.
Roadie Who Bears Our Burdens
She's an honorary Shmoe who came to us via the internet, 11-year-old Yodeler Shmoe. A future star. See her video here.
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